Dial into your Default
Dial into your Default
There has been a lot on social media lately discussing the weight that a default parent carries in a family. I completely appreciate the spotlight on such a wonderful topic. As a default parent myself, I want to share with you how I see it and how I react to it in a way that doesn’t completely topple the applecart of my marriage and leave me seething. Read on and I hope you’ll see what I mean.
Let’s start at the beginning. What is a default parent? The default parent is the person in the family dynamic that does all the things. For example, primary relationship with teachers and care providers: receives all the notifications from school, remembers and plans for dress up days, teacher appreciation, holidays, end of the year teacher gifts, birthday parties, relationships and contact with other parents and that is just one sector. The default parent is the person who knows all the shoe sizes, the medical history, allergies, likes/dislikes, emotional support, and is the person they look for when they need to find their stuff.
This isn’t a post about how terrible the non-default parent is (aka mostly men). While there is much to be done about our society and equitable distribution of labor- that’s for another post, another time. I’m not here to imply that the non-default parent is the villain or even worse, stupid and aloof, because that paints the relationships as friend and foe, rather than a partnership. When we do, that negative spiral continues and we’re left unhappy, resentful, and exhausted.
I like to think about the relationship between the default and the non-default as one of necessity. Most things have a default setting (think: printer, toaster, iron etc.) because that’s when that piece of equipment is working at its baseline and potentially its optimal performance. Basically, “start here, this works for most people…and then tweak up and down as necessary.” That’s the expectation with moms being the default in our current environment- it’s not what moms are built for, it’s what our environment was built for. And in our family I am the default parent. My husband is the most hands on, emotionally available, steady and calming presence in my children’s life. My job of knowing all the things, being involved, being the one they look to, is how I show my love. When I think about my role in this context, changing my perspective for just a few seconds, the world seems a bit brighter. Choices become easier, days become lighter, glimmers start to come through.
Let’s apply this to our nervous system.
Scenario one: When you think that the non-default parent doesn’t care you enter fight or flight. I either fight with my partner or flee (or at least dream about one of those two scenarios). It is hard to connect when you are fighting or fleeing, it is hard to see a way out. This is not a good place to be.
Scenario two: The non-default parent is just not intelligent/perceptive enough to be even able to take this on. How depressing. Did I choose the wrong partner? Are they stupid, ungrateful and lazy? Ouch…that hurts both sides. Now rather than even try, I give up and we move through life like roommates.
Scenario three: The work I do is how I show love to my family. My non-default partner brings other things to the table and by seeing that, I can have compassion for my partner, imagining what it must be like to see the person you love shoulder and own so much. If we can take the approach of scenario three, we can connect with the non-default parent and communicate when we want or need them to lean in.
So how do you get there? It’s hard and it takes some work but where can you dial into the default setting? What is something that you can permanently let go? Maybe you can ask them to take on extra-curricular activity arrangements. And then let it go. Maybe they become the person responsible for birthday parties or shoe shopping. And then LET IT GO.
If you have a competent and willing non-default parent partner who can take on some things, let them do it. Let them try something! It might be tough at first. But hand a task over, be clear with a deadline. Don’t hover and don’t micromanage it. Just let them know the goal of the project and leave the rest to them. The non-default parent might just surprise you. Maybe it will shift their lens too. It might get a bit brighter for them.
Therefore, I state here-I am choosing, happily, willingly, and humbly to be the default parent. It has NOTHING to do with my husband being unwilling, unable or not trusted. This is my life’s work. I have wanted this and it’s here. I am headlining…and I love it.
PS: I want to be very clear. This does NOT mean that everyday my husband and I are walking around on clouds and skipping on rainbows. We have our moments. Being the default parent, doing the mental load of parenting is really hard and exhausting. But it’s also a bit beautiful and humbling. Dial into your default.
A nerd-out note from Meghan- Have you read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky? In the book and her follow up book, Find Your Unicorn Space, Rodsky talks about re-calibrating the distribution of labor in families and households and what it can do for relationships and for moms. Pick them up at your local library or you can buy Fair Play here and Find Your Unicorn Space here on our affiliate links.
