The “Sense” of Motherhood: Using Your Nervous System to Create Connections

At MomSense, our mission is to empower moms with the knowledge and tools needed to navigate motherhood. At the heart of our approach lies Polyvagal Theory (PVT), a framework that sheds light on how our nervous system influences our ability to connect with others.

Polyvagal Theory tells us that our nervous system operates in three distinct states, all controlled by the vagus nerve: Ventral, Sympathetic, and Dorsal. Think of it as a spectrum of experiences—Sympathetic represents the frazzled, fight-or-flight mode, Dorsal embodies the burnt-out, immobilized state, and Ventral is the sweet spot in the middle where we're primed for social connection- we can listen and speak clearly. We can be receptive and expressive. Ventral state is where the magic happens and that’s what we want for all moms- more of the middle.

I’m not saying Sympathetic and Dorsal don’t have their time and space.  Sometimes we just need to get shit done and other times we need to crash on the couch and be left to scroll into the abyss of instagram. But if we’re always going a thousand miles per hour or we’re burnt out and running on empty, we can’t create bonds or show up for new relationships.  That only happens when our nervous system is in the Ventral state.

There are many tools moms can use  to regulate the nervous system and flip from Sympathetic or Dorsal into the Ventral state. There’s too much to cover in one blogpost, but here is something you can try out today:

Step 1: Self-awareness: Ever heard the statement “the first step of fixing the problem is acknowledging that you have a problem?” It’s commonly used in recovery circles but it applies to our nervous systems as well.  You can start by cultivating self-awareness of your physiological responses and emotional cues. Notice when you start feeling frazzled or overwhelmed (Sympathetic state) or when you feel disconnected and burnt out (Dorsal state). Recognizing these signals is the first step in shifting towards the Ventral state.

Step 2: Regulate your nervous system: Once you're aware of your state, try out some techniques to regulate your nervous system- start with deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or a mindfulness meditation.  These can easily be found online and in our Instagram highlights and are effective ways to calm your body and mind.  As you notice trends- situations or times of day when you are more frazzled or fried- you can incorporate these practices into your daily routine.

Step 3: Do something for you: As a mother, it's easy to prioritize the needs of others over your own. But even small acts of self-care are essential for maintaining emotional balance and accessing the Ventral state. It’s not all spa days and girls’ weekends away (although, yes please to both!) If we pretend that only the big ticket self-care works, we minimize the impact that small moments of joy can make in our day.  You don’t have to over commit, but once this week, try to make time for an activity that replenishes your energy . For me, it’s getting outside and taking a walk with an audiobook or a good podcast. If I can block 30 minutes on my work calendar and get outside before getting sucked into a task, a mile or two of pavement and deep inhales of fresh air make me a new woman. For you it might be a hot soak in the bath, 20 minutes of free YouTube yoga next to your bed in the morning, or steaming up a latte instead of a plain coffee. Any of these cup-fillers can bring your nervous system back in check, inching you closer to Ventral state.

Step 4: Connect with others and practice co-regulation: Social connection is a funny one because connection is both a “cup-filler”, helping to regulate your nervous system, and a positive benefit of being in the Ventral state. The more you connect, the more balanced your nervous system, the more balanced your nervous system, the easier you connect.  

Try to connect with another mother, friend, or family member who offers support and understanding. Share your experiences, joys, and challenges openly, and listen empathetically to others. While you do this you’ll help them access their own Ventral state through the power of co-regulation. In this situation, what’s good for one mom is actually good for the group!

These are just some of the ways you can practice flipping yourself into your Ventral state.  As we spend more time in Ventral, we can deepen our connections with others- other moms, partners, and our kids. These connections positively affect the nervous system, creating a positive feedback loop that results in more calm, more openness, and more of the middle.